Last Updated 12/09/04
Credits | Disclaimer | Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five
Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine
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Compiled & Edited By - danny144 Contributers - Nudger, danny144, angry_angel66, tricia, Ghost, Sir_toasty, Areckahn, SorrowSinger Special Thanks - Dave & sakari, and everyone at the original Oceanborn UK for putting up with this! |
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| Chapter One - After The Show, Into The Madness |
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Suddenly, there was a loud commotion out in the hallway. Tuomas slipped on his Mackintosh and his smartest hat... "Looks like this is a case for Inspecter Tuomas and the Oceanborn Eleven", he said to the empty and uninterested room.... Pausing to finish his poem about a lost fish, he then drew out his notepad, walked into the corridoor, and said: "Ello, ello, ello. What's all this then?" (in clearest Finnish) He then realised what the commotion was. It was Jukka and one of the fans getting jiggy on Tuomas' keyboard. "Hey! Get off that it's expensive!" shouted Tuomas and chased them away.
Tuomas was not impressed. He knew that Tarja liking metal was a lie, but it kept Nightwish kool with the Kids. "As punishment for saying that you must clean my keyboards!" Marco was shocked. "All of them?" Just then, Tarja came in and said; "Has anyone seen my sister?" "Which one? The short one or the Evil Twin?" asked Emppu.
"Oh I'm in the band... remember?" "Are you the tit with the beard?" enquired the inciteful Inspector Tuomas. "No. I'm the other guitarist." "Ah. The gay one." Inspector Tuomas continued with his enquiries....
"Guys, I'm leaving the band." A stunned silence had barely begun, before Inspector Tuomas said "Okay." "Bye," Tarja added. "It was fun." said Marco. Emppu was too sexually confused to speak, but he still managed to wave goodbye. With a slightly discerned look on his face, a slightly bemused Jukka left the band.
"APRIL FOOL!!!!!!!!!" The remaining members of Nightwish failed to turn around. Only Marco raised his finger slightly and gestured to the calendar on the wall...
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| Chapter Two - The One Where Marco Becomes A Superhero |
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"Make her out to be what?" said Tero, looking up from his dictionary/grammar book. "Fuck off Tero, you cheap hanger-onner" said Jukka, who then proceeded to beat him to death with Marco's hair gel tub.
"Oh my god; let's go meet Nudger" said Tarja. Her new personal assistant (danny144), then bitch-slapped Tarja back into reality, saying "You don't want to hang around with losers like Nudger! Have you heard his latest record?" "You mean?..." said Tarja. "YES! Dog noises ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!" "That man is such a sell-out to his genre," observed Tarja, before head-banging her way through the news which had just come on the radio. "Good evening. Here is the news. It is now kool to hang around Nudger!" Just as Tarja was climbing out of the BBC Radio Moshpit she saw Nudger and instantly ran over to him and pretended to have known him for years.
And he was off! In a blaze of glory, Tarot cards, and power chords! Off to fight the mighty Rhapsody in a battle of the cheese...
"I wonder where the other oceansouls are?" said Emppu, as he started to feel himself again. "Let me see... Can I find that oh-so purple guitar of mine, and see how far I can spread my legs apart when me and sweet-cheeks Marco stand next to each other on stage..."
Take that... Take that... Suddendly, he senses Nudger sniffing his beard, and rushes to find him - only to find Nudger was being beaten down by Alexi Laiho! "What the f**k are you doing Alexi!?" Marco exclaimed! "Yow!" shouted Alexi, before running into The Darkness and kicking their arses. "Oh cheers," said Nudger. "He was about to abuse me. By the way, Tarja said you're a big geek. Who likes putting his beard into plaits, and sniffing boy's hair."
"Emppu, oh Emppu," he said - as he broke down on his shoulder and took a drink from his vodka (water) bottle - "I think Tarja knows our secret: She mentioned plaits and sniffing hair..." "NOOO!!!" Emppu replied. "She cant know," as he pecked sweet-cheeks Marco on the lips. |
| Chapter Three - The Lord Of The Whims |
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"Ello, ello, ello." (chorused his ever-growing fan club). Tuomas was not impressed. Once was not #1 in Uzbeckistan and damned if he wasn't going to promote the hell out of it until it was! So the band all got together again and after Marco had bitchslapped Tarja, they decided to release Nightwish Clam Flavoured Toothpaste.
"Get it?!" he said to his bandmates, as they looked at him in awe. So off they went to the person who makes all that shite Nightwish stuff and she agreed. "Wow, Jukka. Aren't we a smart boy today?!" said the person who makes all that shite stuff. Jukka smiled as she patted him on the head. "Well done. Have a sticker."
Inspector Tuomas took out his magnifing glass for closer inspection, as he gasped at the sigh of Jukkas baldy head. "What is this Jukka?!! You are false Metal!!! You don't have long hair!!!" Tuomas continued. "But, but..." protested Jukka. "No 'but's Mr Jukka," warned Superintendant Tuomas (who had just been promoted by a passing 1000yr old infant [also giving him an idea for a song]), "and anyway," Tuomas continued, "didn't you leave the band?" "Tuomas is right," warbled Tarja (for she was doing her vocal warmups that Tuomas had taught her); "you need to wait a year to keep the public in suspense - THEN we can reform with you again." "Okay," sighed Jukka. And promptly left the hotel, setting out across the plains of Middle-London, on a year long quest to pass the time.
"Wait Master Baggins!" came a girl's voice from behind him. "Shove off Tuomas!" he shouted. "Up yours, pointy-chin! It's me Tarja! I want to come too since I imagine I'll get paid for it!" Jukka was not impressed. Tarja was wearing a Manowar shirt and Kappa trousers.
"Sssh, Tarja," hinted Superintendent Tuomas. "And stop quoting non-related threads on the highly under-rated Oceanborn Forum." "Yeah," added Marco; "if you don't stop acting like you are a real metal head, I'll get my good mate Sakari to BUST YOUR ASS!!" "Bust my?" quoth Tarja. "ASS!!!!" Screamed the other members of Nightwish in unison. "Wow, that's the first time we've all come in at the same time!" commented an unexpectedly returning Jukka Baggins. Emppu chose this precise moment to come out of the closet and throw it at Jukka.
The whole band laughed. Emmpu was just so funny! "I love you Tarja" said Tuomas.
"Man, that IS pointy!" he said. "Reminds me of home..." wailed Emppu. At which point, all the band members burst into tears - remembering they were far from their homeland of Lillipilulipililandolilliplin. "Oh how I miss the barren wastes of our homeland," wavered the lovestruck Tuomas; "We must play another gig in Bradford!"
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| Chapter Four - Sex, Lies and Incomprehensible B*llocks |
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Tuomas stuck his head out the door and frowned at the sight before him. They appeared to be stuck in the middle of nowhere. All around there was nothing but rolling hills as far as the eye could see. The only clue to their whereabouts was a signpost for Butthole lane which swung in the breeze. Tuomas turned the map of London upside down, his eyebrows furrowed in annoyance but it still wasn't any clearer. There was definitely no Harrods, no venue and no hotel here. "Oh arse!" said Tuomas as he hopped out onto the narrow country track, hugging himself against the cold wind and stamping his feet for effect. A lone weathered sheep raised it's head briefly from munching stalky grass to study the irate keyboard player before wandering off across the windswept plains, in a stiff legged run. The others watched from the windows and sniggered.
"Look over there! It's Tarja's plane!!!!!" Quickly they sped off after it leaving a rather confused Tuomas by the road. He ran after them for a while but gave up because he couldn't be arsed. "Sod them! I'll just stay here and go solo!"
Only to find that it was infact a swanky porn factory, he used his celebraty status to wangle himself in and get a sneak preview of Attack Of The Trianglular mamaries as the film begains the ladies come out he looks, stunned for a moment he shouts JUKKA its you into Layla Laydem cleverage.
Baffled, he took a large swig of vodka and extracted the splinter using a nearby London Astoria as leverage. After a double-take, Marco screamed: "What the f**k are we doing back here?! Didn't we just play this venue?!" "Never mind that, what am I doing in this scene?!" enquired Tuomas, who should've been lost in a barn, starring in a cheap porn remake of 'Over The Hills And Far From Gay'.
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| Chapter Five - Sami-1000: The Revenge Of The Bass(ist) |
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The five stood at the mouth of the tunnel and looked at each other, Marco eventually voicing what was on all of their minds. "Who wants to go first?" His question was greeted with silence. "Let it be Emppu as he's small and expendable." A disgruntled Emppu folded his arms and frowned. "No! I've been in this band from the start, it should be Marco who goes first!" "No way! None of you other guys can sing, and besides I might get stuck if the tunnel gets any smaller." The others nodded in agreement and Emppu was hastily pushed to the front, and began leading the way along the winding passage, feeling his way along the cold, slimy rough stone walls as his eyes adjusted to the darkness.
Jukka cursed under his breath wishing he had his night vision camera with him. He prodded Emppu in the back. "Can you see anything?" "I think it's the beast." "What?!" "Yeah; the beast," said Emppu "you know - the one from the song we do..." "But what can he want?" cried Tuomas "He's already got a song about the beauty of him?!" "I think he's pissed off..." guestimated Emppu. "He's pissed off coz bits of the story aren't being put in bold..." Tarja gasped.
Looking upward at the roof, it seemed to swim and shift above them. "Eek" She said. Everybody looked up in suprise.
As it came closer, all could see it was composed of a metalic yellow viscous liquid, which was dripping small drops at an increasing rate. As these drops hit the floor, they flowed toward each other, in an omnious manner, forming together in one big pool, which took on a shape they had all once known as... ...Sami!
Marco screamed "NOOOO!!!!" and promtply sliced Sami in half with a guitar string. However the two halfs of Sami moulded together again, much like the T-1000 from Terminator 2s so the group ran down the tunnel, until they came to the edge of a dark river.
"Have you all remembered your pennies?" chuckled Tuomas. Which was ironic. Because it was in fact THE river Styx.
"I wish you'd learn to spell 'parallel'," said Tero (who was still lumbering around after the band, dictionary/grammar book in hand) "I wish I knew what happened to Tuomas' cheap porn debut," whined the now re-instated Jukka. "I wish I had an angel," said Marco. For comic effect. "I wish we were all back in the real world," said Tarja, who magically clicked her heels together and the band was instantly transported away from Planet Hell, to somewhere far worse... ...Disneyland! |
| Chapter Six - Mickey Mouse Stories |
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Everyone then waited for him to rope a tacky link to a Nightwish song in, but he didn't. He was fed up of being the comic relief. Eventually Jukka noticed that they didn't have any tickets for Disneyland. Even Tarja screaming "But I'm famous!" at the security guards didn't work.
The band span around (Tarja span around twice for extra effect), and saw Sami again. "I challenge Marco to a duel!" he exclaimed.
"Marco - you will go on my first whistle. Saimi - you will go on my second whistle." "Contenders! RRRRRRRREEEEEEEAAAAADDDDDDDDDDYYYYYY!!!!!!!" And with a short blow on his whistle, the Scottish referre disappeared in a cloud of Bare Grace Misery - Because the narrator had taken on the role of slipping in pointless humour, as Tuomas was being a mardy ass.
...but then everyone realised that bass solos SUCK! It was fortunate that Nudger and Spellbound were there, though! They'd both brought their keytars, and they started shredding over the duelling bases.
At this point in the forum, a whole 21 hours pass without no contribution to the story! That's a long time story-fans!!!
In order to provoke some sort of other reaction to the fan story, The Rasmus walked in, and decided to wait In The Shadows, ready to pounce on the next unlucky victim of the Nightwish Fan Fiction. [#I'll be watching, I'll be waiting...#] It was at that point that they realised that they sounded like a bunch of rapists. "No change there then," said a contraversial passer-by, who wishes to remain annonymous.
"Oh well...," said Tuomas - with a great big grin on his face: "ANGELS FALL FIRST..." With that final and desparate attempt to inject some humour into the Fan Fiction story, Marco FINALLY found out how GAY Tuomas is. |
| Chapter Seven - All's Fair In Love And War. And In Hope; Naturally. |
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Tarja was enjoying the fact that danny144 wasn't there. She was doing a crossword - She liked doing them because they make her think. "Yes, Tarja has a wanderlust" said Tuomas, with a hopeful smile on his face.
"Where exactly are we going?" asked Tuomas. "Well, checking this website has shown me that there is a place there called Hope. We're going just north of there." "You mean...we're going Higher than Hope?" asked Tuomas, stifling a girlish giggle, thankful that no-one had noticed his sly puns...
Tarja sighed, because she was sure the endless sex with danny144 was ruining her voice...
"Shut up, you silly girl of a man," Marco cried, "I mean - the passage about Planet Hell and the 'Angel Falls First' line were sublime. Hell - even the play on words for your now seemingly forgotten porn debut was quite good. But all this nonsense about 'Higher Than Hope' is getting a bit gay - a bit like Emppu!" Emppu blushed, because he thought his sexually confused past was forgotten. However, he redeemed his smile when he thought of the kind picture the band had posted on his faviroute Oceanborn forum. When he became the tallest member of the group, all his wishes had finally come true. Yes... He was the... ...Wishmaster!
"Oooooo," camped Emppu "you're not going to leave the band again, are you?!!" "Oooo," mused Tero. He was currently checking the validity of the verb 'to camp' used in the previous scentence. "No - I'm going to STAY with this band," yelled Jukka, "and you are ALL going to stop making stupid song references as bad jokes!!!" "He's right," said Marco. "It is very stupid." The band members then formed a pact to never quote their songs out of context again, for the sole purpose of a cheap laugh.
"Guys - Fifteen down. 'Road to the elven city.' Any ideas?!" "Guys?...."
"I'm ready Tarja!!!!!!" An even more ghastly silence then followed...
Hmm he thought. I must have been to a Mayhem gig.
"Tarja is now Crownless" stated Tuomas - who had immediately forgotten the previous pact - before being beaten about the head by Jukka.
"Don't worry Tarja, I'll be your Sword and your shield" said Tuomas. "TUOMAS!" screamed Jukka "that's not even our song!!" Tuomas Apologised.
...was unexpectedly eaten by a giraffe. Yes, danny144 - using the power of purest mIRC, had killed the aforemention dragon, with a deft use of his scripts. This was a day that would live in infamy. "Oh, Danny!" yelled Tarja "You ARE my hero! All is forgiven!" And with that - they were off. Off into the back dressing room, for a quick 'embrace', then to work on Tarja's voice.
OW! OW! OW! Apologies, story-fans. But that was the noise of your dear narrator being clubbed over the head by a number of the lead characters! RIGHT! That's it!
When the characters were re-introduced in the story, all visions of fame and fortune were gone. No sexual deviancy, no discography. No really cool boyfriends - indeed no Nightwish... |
| Chapter Eight - Grand Finale: Pirates, Ponies and Piss-Poor Puns |
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Tuomas had just finished cooking a marshmellow over a roaring fire. He was there, as was this small bloke, some idiot who plays the base, old pointy-chin and some lass he quite fancied. "THAT'S IT I'M LEAVING THE BAND" screamed the bass dolt, storming off. Enter another bass playing oddity, this time with a pwitty beard.
"Tarja - you do beat box. Jukka - you can do all the weird trancy sound effects. New guy Marco - you can do the repetitively high vocal line - something about castles... in the sky. I'll actually play all the stuff on my keyboard(s) (I plan to get another seven soon...) and Emppu? You can be the tit at the front who prances around trying to look cool. Okay?"
"Right - now we need a name for this trip-trance revoloution," said Tuomas. "Any ideas? Anyone?" "I know," said Emmpu, "Let's call ourselves Wish for Pain, Death for Night." Tuomas and the others nodded in agreement. "Oh!" said Tarja "I know, let's shorten it to Nightwish!" Tuomas and the others threw buring marshmellows at Tarja. "Don't be fucking stupid" shouted Marco. "What sort of crappy emo punk rnd gansta rap pop hip hop bop band calls themselves Nightwish?!" Tarja burst into tears. "I'm sorry, I just..." "You just nothing" barked Tuomas, much like a dog, "Your out the band! Marco, put on a bra!"
'Once' again, story-fans, we were kept in suspense for a painful 23 hours, until the story was dutifully continued!
"...all of a sudden: Tarja whips out an AK-74 and blows the stupid woosy ponies away," Tarja paused, looking at the stunned faces of the other band members that had gathered around the fire to hear her story. Then - a load of dead ponies appeared out of nowhere (presumably stopping to ask Tero to research the military hardware AK-74 - the dyslexic's machine gun of choice). "BARBECUE!" Marco shouted, tearing off a piece of one of the ponies, and putting it on the fire. "Well; Bless The Child!" Tuomas said. Before getting piled on by the rest of the band members because he made a pun out of one of their songs again.
"I want some pony meat!" he cried ravonous with hunger... When - all of a sudden - a group of ponies came out of no where and started to hoof the other band members on the head until the were unconscious. "MISTER TUOMAS" they shouted: "WE KNEW YOU LOVED US." Tuomas realising he was scared of a little pony started to cry in his cage because he's a big wimp. The Ponies freed Tuomas and brought him back to Ponyville.
"Guys, when the ponies hit me alot they broke my wooden leg, and I need it fixed. Who can I get for help?" said Emmpu. "The Carpenter" said Tuomas. Everyone threw stuff at him. Including the ponies. "Well, now we're stuck in Ponyland with only Emmpu's peg leg and a pack of juicy fruit" said Tarja.
The fall killed them all.
And then makes them want to kill OTHER huge groups of people. And so on, and so on - Until we all die.
A now mightily bereaved Marco piped up saying: "I could sit on your shoulder if it helps," before bursting into tears. "Awww, there their Marco," comforted Tarja. Blinking back tears, Tero consulted the "There/Their/They're" appendix to his Dictionary/Grammar Book.
However, catching onto the joke, Jukka shot Tuomas and - just before he closed his eyes - Tuomas whispered out the immortal lines:
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| Chapter Nine - The Loose Ends At The End (And That's Just The Writers) |
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"Okay, company. What the fock we do now? Play an instrument? Or we grind up Tuomas body, sell as wholesale with the left-over pony meat, and go do some shows?" "But how does the Nightwish Fan Fiction Story carry on without its lead detective/light relief?!" wailed Tarja. "Arr, guys," voiced Emppu the midget pirate; "methinks I have a plan..." "...let's clone Tuomas," Emppu finished, and a science lab apeared out of thin air.
"Oh god! IT'S back!" Tarja sighed, looking rather unninterested in the story. "Oh don't be that happy to see me!!!" Tuomas said sarcasticaly, walking over to her. "Not YOU, you overdressed whimp who cries at ponies," she said pointing up into the air; "THAT!"
"Aaaaaahhh foooooooook!!!" Marco said. "Never fear - EMPPU's here!!!" Emppu shouted, and stabbed the dragon in the eye with his wooden leg. The dragon landed on its back and died.
"You only think with your stomach," he said, looking up to the sky to see stormclouds aproaching.
It was working until danny144 walked in and clobbered sorrowsinger with a skunk. Of Oceanborn fame. "That's my finace - bitch!" implied danny144 "You should read the whole story before trying to cut in on my lovely Tarja..." Tarja then pulled a face...
"I hear that Nudger got back from his Icelandic holiday and decided to be a lollipop-sucking spoilsport," said the ever-witty Jukka. A tense moment passed. "This looks like a case for... INSPECTOR TUOMAS!!!!" giggled Tuomas, in a girlish glee.
"Now, now," calmed Tarja. "Stop it! Before this thread merely becomes an encoded way of hurling abuse at our fellow Oceanborn members." "Tarja - you smell of donkey bollocks!" yelled a climactic Emppu - Nudger was good. Very good.
...and appalled. Dazed... ...and Confused.
Which happens to be a small village just outside their hometome of Lillipilulipililandolilliplin.
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